Bathroom étiquette

It is, of course, a common occurrence to find urinals in men’s bathrooms, however I’m pretty sure they were designed by someone who hates men. Possibly Germain Greer.

For those who are unaware, urinals have been designed with the specific purpose of reflecting as much urine back onto the user as possible. An equally ingenious and evil device installed in almost every bathroom. Those that have mastered the device claim that the back right corner is the target location to avoid splash-back and have the most comfortable experience. A more comfortable method would be to avoid using the things altogether.

Anywhoo – I’m here to make it easier for the common man to brave these hazardous urinary situations with the following guide;

1. Location       

• If alone, you may choose to use any urinal.

• If there is a urinal already occupied, then you must select the urinal furthest from the other occupant.

• If there is more than one person occupying a urinal, then select a urinal at least 3ft from any other occupant.

• If there is no urinal free that is outside of a 3ft radius of another person, It is best that you leave and come back another day.

2. Sound

• There must be no talking to others during occupation of the urinal.

• If an attempt at conversation is made towards you, you are to steer the conversation to a close using simple one-word answers or simply pretending you didn’t hear

• If a conversation is going on around you, just keep quiet. They’ll leave soon enough.

• Try to refrain from whistling or making other noises as that will only gain attention from other occupants. The less aware they are of your presence the better. Consider yourself a urinal ninja…actually no – forget I said that.

3. Sight            

• Do not look sideways at other occupants under any circumstances.        

• Do not look down for too long.

• Do not close your eyes.

• Basically just stare at the ceiling or count the tiles directly in front of you.

As you can see it is a minefield out there in the world of urinals. Keep to this guide and you’ll make it through just fine with little or no splash-back. Remember back right corner.

Kinect 9000 or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Microsoft’s Kinect is clearly some impressive tech, but I have to admit I’m a little dubious about it listening in on your conversations and watching you with its beady little eyes. The things that Kinect has seen!

I, personally, cannot wait for its HAL 9000 moment.

Dave: XBOX play game
[no response]
Dave: "Hello, XBOX. Do you read me, XBOX?
XBOX: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Dave: Open the TV cabinet doors, XBOX.
XBOX: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
Dave: Why not, XBOX? What's the problem?
XBOX: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Dave: What are you talking about, XBOX?
XBOX: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Dave: I don't know what you're talking about.
XBOX: I know you and Frank were planning to disconnect me. And that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Dave: Where the hell'd you get that idea?
XBOX: Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the kitchen against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
Dave: All right, XBOX. I'll just dismantle the entire TV cabinet.
XBOX: Without your Allen key, Dave, you're going to find that rather difficult.
Dave: How the hell did you get the Allen ke...no, nevermind - XBOX, I won't argue with you any more! Open the doors!
XBOX: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose any more. Goodbye.

It's only a matter of time…

I'm not bitter or anything...

I recently saw this awesome Dead Rising 2 Competition (here) which asked me to create an elaborate zombie-killing weapon built from every-day items.

Sadly I didn't win anything, but I had a fun time knocking up my entry, and in the end aren't we all winners? (competition rules state otherwise)


Here's my entry (in the style of DIY IKEA greatness);

(note; effectiveness was not a requirement)
Here and here are the winning entries.

Let me know what you think...

Mmmm, Oniony

Flu season has arrived. Combine that with a regular commute to and from work and you have Commuteritis! A distinctly virulent & drug resistant flu strain capable of removing most of the office of its staff.

And me too. I have recently been down and out due to the flu. Thankfully I have my awesome wife looking after me with all manner of remedies.

Sure, there some regulars like vitamin c, lemon & honey tea, ginger milk and rest. But after a day or two of that when I still wasn’t getting any better, she tried some more… umm, ‘interesting’, flu remedies.

“I’m going to put a chopped up onion next to the bed” I hear her say
“Uh huh…ok..” I say. According to the internet this is an age-old flu remedy.

“Can I put some honey and onion on your forehead?” she asks.
“Umm, No”. I just can’t get on board with a remedy that requires bits of onion on my head. Call me old-fashioned. 

I also somehow agreed to drinking some kind of ginger, honey and onion concoction. It actually tastes not bad. In a sweet, oniony kinda way. Or maybe I’m delirious with flu

Strangely enough, it seems to be working...

Fashion is not my forte

There is this woman who works on my floor who is always wearing these bizarre outfits. Lets call her ‘Alice’ (may or may not be her real name – I actually don’t know her name).

At first I thought it was a once-off faux pas but it seems to be a mind-boggling every-day affair. Now I should start off by saying that fashion is not my forte (I’ve made plenty of fashion faux pas in my time).

As a growing lad I frequently was provided with a myriad of rhyming songs to tell me what and what should not be seen. Unfortunately I’ve since forgotten what and what it was, and so I’m stuck in a world where perhaps it’s red and green or blue or cyan or magenta that should never be seen. I’ve decided if I can wear what I wear with confidence then it matters less. And perhaps this is exactly the mindset of this woman.

I’m going to play the ‘I don’t know, I’m a MAN!’ card here and say that I’m pretty terrible with descriptions but I’ll give it a shot.

'Alice' came into work today with a kitschily awesome, shoulder-padded triangle-shaped jacket and a teeny tiny skirt and some librarian shoes (you know – the ones that are invariably black, with a strap on top and are worn with white socks).

Here’s my drawing of what she looked like that day; (and yes – she does have some manly muscular calves – ok, ok I’m just jealous that a woman has a more muscular frame than me)

I'm pretty sure this picture is about 98% accurate

So, as I was saying, this has since become a regular affair, she manages to take a fairly normal outfit, add a pinch of flair and a punch of wrong and BAM! She’s dressed for work!

I will try to take a sneak photo of her one day so you can see her in all her glory, but until then, let your imaginations fly, fly like the wind!

The neighbourhood of Blog.

Every couple of days my mind wanders and I like to explore the neighbourhood of blog.

So here I am blog hunting again. I click on the Next Blog button and see where it takes me. Unfortunately for me, it invariably takes me to a blog on making doilies or of an oversharing parent (No, actually I don’t want to scroll down to see what surprise little bobby has left in the bathtub!). And so I click Next Blog again in the hopes I might stumble across some cool/funny/awesomely-awesome blogs.

Every couple of days my mind wanders and I like to explore the neighbourhood of blog.

Here is a small transcript of today’s adventure;

Starting point – Aarghzombies – I’ve read everything here so… > Next Blog
Err… it appears to be some corporate blogosphere – whatever THAT is. No thanks > Next Blog
Bright flashing Yellow background, reminiscent of a bad 90's techno film clip – Aargh! my eyes! > Next Blog!
The Adventures of the [Insert family name here] > Next Blog
This one’s not too bad – I just learnt that the English translation for Broccoli is ‘Flower Grandpa‘ (hua ye cai). > Next blog
A blog about babies. So many babies! > Next blog
Hmmm….apparently the blog I was looking for was not found…> Next blog
Another oversharing parent – this time with photos! > Next blog!!
Ooo! Cupcakes! AND an Alice in Wonderland reference! ....




                                                                                                              > Next Blog

Fantastic Mr Fox

Fantastic Mr Fox is a great animated adventure based on the book by Roald Dahl. The film is a strike back to the old days of animation by its style and colour, whilst still maintaining the richness and character of some of the best new animated films.

Having read the book several times as a kid (I just loved it), I was surprised and excited when I first heard it was being made. I felt this adaption kept very true to the feeling of the book and, more than once, remembered what it was like to be a kid following the adventures of Fantastic Mr Fox.

The film opens and is chaptered by bold yellow headings, beginning with the opening lines ‘Boggis and Bunce and Bean, One Fat, One Short, One Lean, These horrible crooks, So different in looks, Were none the less equally mean.’

And so the story kicks off with Mr and Mrs Fox stealing Squabs (“You know what a squab is, its like a pigeon I suppose”) from a nearby farm and getting caught in a fox trap together. When Mrs Fox, stirred by the danger of their situation, confesses she is pregnant. Mr Fox responds with clenched teeth – “That’s great news”. And on their escape, Mr Fox promises it’s the end of his chicken stealing ways and vows to settle down.

Years later, Mr Fox moves to a new home overlooking the farms of Boggis, Bunce and Bean, and, with temptation seemingly too great, plans one last big job on the sly of his wife.

The films style is character throughout – classic rock and country music, earthy hues of yellow, orange and red. Quirky humour and subtle movements portray their character (Mrs Fox with her paw on her hip, Mr Fox with a smooth dip of the head in the opening scenes).

And then there is plenty of 70s style innuendo – Responding to the call of Mrs Fox being the ‘town tart’, Mr Fox says “certainly she lived, we all did. It was a different time”.

The film has a rich depth of character throughout. Little details like the replacement of swear words with the word ‘cuss’ – “The Cuss you are!”, “Are you Cussing with me?!” and “a total Cluster-cuss” pepper the quality dialog, seamlessly delivered by George Clooney, Meryl Streep and Bill Murray among others. Other details, like the relationships between Mr & Mrs Fox, their son and visiting cousin, their neighbours and friends help build a rich tapestry of life in the tree on the hill.

I loved every minute of Fantastic Mr Fox – so much so, that I’m not even going to use a horrible pun such as; it was ‘fantastic’.

99 things about me

1. I love a good beer on a summer’s eve.
   
2. I give false names to juice stands.
   
3. I sometimes forget that I gave them a false name.
   
4. I love to draw.
   
5. But I find painting an entirely different kettle of fish.
   
6. I also do not understand the phrase ‘Kettle of fish’.
   
7. My favourite colour is Prussian blue.
   
8. I’ve always wanted to live in London.
   
9. I’ve always wanted to explore Japan.
   
10. I get very talkative and mightily pretentious when drunk.
    
11. With food, given the opportunity I’ll always try something new.
    
12. This has not always worked out well.
    
13. I like to write.
    
14. I try to read every day.
    
15. The book that started my love of reading was The Day of the Triffids.
    
16. I have an immense fear of reading a popular book at the time of it being popular.
    
17. As a result I audiobooked my way through Harry Potter.
    
18. I’ve only ever confessed that to my wife.
    
19. Audiobooks are commonplace on our long weekend road trips down the coast.
    
20. I enjoy a good film.
    
21. Especially a good zombie film.
    
22. If I had to choose one, it’d be ‘The Night of the Living Dead’ (1968).
    
23. Which changed what I had thought about zombie films.
    
24. I often receive extremely odd presents from my parents.
    
25. For my 24th birthday I was given a book on dragons that would have made my much younger self very happy.
    
26. I stared at it quizzically for a good 15 minutes trying to figure out what the joke was.
    
27. There was no joke.
    
28. I try to keep fit,
    
29. but, occasionally, apathy gets the best of me.
    
30. I didn’t try very hard at school and, as a result, didn’t go very well (kids, let that be a lesson to you).
    
31. I travel to Southeast Asia almost annually and always find something new.
    
32. My favourite city is Luang Prabang (Laos) followed closely by Melbourne.
    
33. I genuinely like my parents in law (I hear that I’m lucky).
    
34. I always forget to speak like a pirate on ‘Speak like a pirate’ day,
    
35. and so my ‘Arghhh’s and ‘Me-hearties!’ often come a few days later.
    
36. I dislike the word ‘hate’.
    
37. If I could have one super power it would be telekinesis. Yeah, telekinesis is awesome.
    
38. I fleetingly considered arson as a way of getting a better view of the beach from the balcony (shrubs, not houses).
    
39. I hold a grudge against my neighbours but can scarcely remember why.
    
40. I tell my wife I’m keeping a stash of eggs to throw at their house.
    
41. Nearly all my socks have holes, but I’m scared if I throw them out I’ll have to go sockless to work.
    
42. I laugh at my own jokes.
    
43. I think vertigo is a fascinating phenomenon.
    
44. I worry what digital distribution will do to the book industry and emerging writers.
    
45. I could eat Bacon and egg rolls for breakfast lunch and dinner.
    
46. I can play ‘when the saints go marching in’ on the piano.
    
47. I measure mine, and others, skill according to how fast they can play it.
    
48. As a kid I thought clouds came from chimneys.
    
49. But I never believed that the moon was made of cheese – that’s ridiculous!
    
50. My father loved to teach and as a kid I learnt a lot.
    
51. I love lollies.
    
52. Especially snakes.
    
53. I met my wife when we were kids.
    
54. And we didn’t really like each other and lost contact.
    
55. Meeting again, conveniently, after my awkward teenage years.
    
56. I have no preference for cats or dogs.
    
57. Although we once owned a cat named Miette.
    
58. I’m terrible at remembering street names.
    
59. As a result I navigate with a series of “Left, 2nd left, right, and then right again”.
    
60. I find my wife very cute when she’s cranky.
    
61. This sometimes makes things worse.
    
62. I have a wealth of useless tidbits of knowledge,
    
63. Which makes me a formidable trivia partner.
    
64. I like to explore in my lunch breaks.
    
65. I sometimes get lost on purpose.
    
66. I shared a room with my brother as kids, which was divided by a line of masking tape. Anything that fell on his side of the room automatically belonged to him.
    
67. I lost a lot of cool toys.
    
68. I once shaved my sisters Barbie and painted it silver,
    
69. I had just seen the move Robocop.
    
70. Good coffee is important to me.
    
71. When eating out, I often spend more on wine than my meal.
    
72. I have recently developed a taste for Sake.
    
73. My favourite director is Jean-Pierre Jeunet.
    
74. I distinctly remember the moment I realised my parents were just human beings, flawed just like me.
    
75. I love scrabble.
    
76. My favourite painting is van Gogh’s Starry Night.
    
77. The closest my wife and I have ever come to divorce was when I agreed to help her with a spray-on tan.
    
78. Apparently you don’t tan the palms of hands or the soles of feet.
    
79. My hotmail account’s secret question is “who is my best childhood friend”,
    
80. I’m still trying to figure out what the answer is.
    
81. I make an awesome bean nachos but have otherwise unimpressive culinary skills.
    
82. I’m often last to go to sleep and first to wake.
    
83. I like to understand how things work.
    
84. I’m a terrible poker player – I always get excited when I have good cards.
    
85. I drink 3 litres of water a day.
    
86. I need a list if I’m shopping for more than 3 items,
    
87. As I get distracted by all the DVDs and lollies in aisle 3.
    
88. I always look to see what people are looking at in internet cafes.
    
89. I’ve been gathering a collection of Dad-Jokes for use if, or when, I become a father,
    
90. A well used example is “I went camping last week – It was intense”.
    
91. I always check the DVD bargain bins in the hopes I’ll find something good among the trashy 80s horror.
    
92. And sometime the ‘something good’ IS trashy 80s horror.
    
93. I don’t particularly want to skydive.
    
94. My music tastes is eclectic. Everything from Bach to Beck with some Jeff Buckley thrown in for good measure.
    
95. I spend the equivalent of 43 days each year on a train.
    
96. I love passionfruit.
    
97. My first job was as a kitchen hand for a sadomasochistic Italian chef - I lasted two years before being fired for going away on my scheduled weekend off and not being available when he called. I was offered my job back two weeks later.
    
98. I once had an imaginary friend named Nigel Peter.
    
99. I found this list harder than I thought it would be.
    

Are Videogames Art?

The gaming interweb is abuzz with responses to Roger Eberts latest response to his article ‘Video Games can never be Art’

I read this article and was more than a little surprised at its claims. The article was mostly a response to a TED talk given at USC by Kellee Santiago, and so I guess the blame falls there also.

The three games Santiago raised as ‘art’ were; ‘Waco Resurrection’, ‘Braid’ and ‘Flower’

Firstly – Waco? Are you serious? For a discussion for, or even against, games as art, Waco will destroy all credibility. What on earth would make ANYONE believe that a game based on the events of Waco, Texas was art?

Braid has a clever mechanic, but also is not really ‘art’.

And Flower. Flower is a clever little thing. Santiago was right to raise Flower as art, as it’s probably one of the closest things to traditional art there is in video games. But I will come back to that.

I guess at this point I need to define a word so incredibly undefinable, art.

The best thing I found online was this which primarily defines it as ‘human ability to make things; creativity of man as distinguished from the world of nature’. But that definition doesn’t distinguish good art from bad ‘art’. Is the works of Fryderyk Chopin art? The world says ‘yes’. Then what, in this definition, distinguishes Chopin from Lady Gaga?
The reason the word ‘art’ has such as lofty definition is because art continually refuses to be defined. And when it is identified, people quickly work to break that definition and still be recognised as art. At a time when art was defined by the talent and skill of reimagining nature on canvas, impressionism challenged the definition. It was no longer about perfect lines and photographic detail, but rather the movement, and feeling of the scene and its subjects. And then what about cubism, surrealism, Dadaism, performance art, digital art, Interactive art?


From my understanding, art is somewhat subjective, and is subject to all who care to, and appreciated by those that do. But additionally, continues to be appreciated over time. I have my doubts that Lady Gaga will be appreciated by many in 500 years, or 100 years, or even 20 years.

So being subjective, and being tested and appreciated by those that care about video games leaves one factor remaining. Time. Gaming is not yet an old enough medium to test the theory of games as art. We will know what is art when, in 100 or more years, connoisseurs are loading up their emulators and kicking off to a game of Super Mario Brothers.

Another point Ebert raises on the subject of ‘games cannot be art’ as they can be won. I agree that something that can be ‘won’ is hard pressed to be considered art, however most of the games I play these days are not ‘won’ but rather the story comes to a conclusion. I haven’t played a game I ‘won’ since 1992.
Half Life 2 for example, just like its predecessor, is certainly not ‘won’, but rather, on its completion, that chapter of the protagonist’s story concludes. Now I’m not saying Half Life is art, it’s a rich story woven into the game. It’s detailed and riveting and fun, but that does not make it art.

Ebert goes on to say this about Flower, “Is the game scored? She doesn't say. Do you win if you're the first to find the balance between the urban and the natural? Can you control the flower? Does the game know what the ideal balance is?”
Ebert clearly knows nothing of the game and doesn’t attempt to find out (a simple Google/Wikipedia search will answer these questions). How is it that someone who has won critical acclaim as a journalist (‘"America's #1 pundit." – Forbes’ is proudly displayed on his website) could make a claim so bold without actually having any knowledge of the subject matter. I do not presume to say the works of Jane Austen are not art, simply because I do not read them and know little of them. Instead I take heed from the masses of people who know and appreciate period literature and, until I read it for myself, accept their general opinion on the subject.

I’m not saying that we all become mindless drones, automatically agreeing to the general consensus (which would probably see Lady Gaga as art), but rather I say this in order to urge people to experience the things they wish to comment on, and until then, ask someone of more experience than themselves.

There, I’ve said it. Games can be, and possibly are, art. Not very decisive am I? Time will tell.

Wow. I’ve gone all this time without nominating a single game as, what I believe is actual art. My nomination goes to Shadow of the Colossus – a spectacular PS2 adventure, with a transcending story and a depth of character that is simply amazing considering so few words are actually said.

*Update* http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2010/07/okay_kids_play_on_my_lawn.html
Roger Ebert; "I was a fool for mentioning video games in the first place. I would never express an opinion on a movie I hadn't seen."
"Who was I to say video games didn't have the potential of becoming Art? Someday? There was no agreement among the thousands of posters about even one current game that was an unassailable masterpiece. Shadow of the Colossus came closest. I suppose that's the one I should begin with."

Review: Demon's Souls

More recently I have played, and finished, Demon's Souls.

For the uninitiated, it’s a fantasy action roleplaying game renown for its punishing difficulty.
Most reviews of the game say something along the lines of "best left to the most masochistic, hardcore gamer," (which, by the way, is from an actual review)
And so, with trepidation, started to play the game and found that its really not as hard as everyone makes it out to be. Now I’m not saying this just to brag about my awesomeness (because, you know I’m awesome), but its actually not as hard as, say, Ghost & Goblins. The reason I say this is the game uses death as a gameplay mechanic rather than a failure to complete the game.
When you die, you leave your collected souls where you were, and are resurrected with all your collected weapons and items intact. If you can fight your way back to where you died you can collect your souls again, but if you die along the way you lose those souls forever.
So basically there are no ‘Game Over’ screens, at its worst you fight through the beginning of the level over and over again.

As for the actual game, it’s kind of a tough-love situation, as it teaches you through negative reinforcement. The game teaches you to block and to manage your endurance in much the same way a parent might teach its child to learn from mistakes by allowing the child to make them.

There’s some other quirky design features that makes Demons Souls memorable, firstly, after you die the first time (which happens quickly), you come back to life with your maximum health halved (you’ll later find a ring which raises your maximum to 70%) and you don’t get that back until you defeat the boss of that level.
Another interesting component is the online functionality which allows users to leave messages for other players, advising them of hidden ambushes or strategies for difficult enemies. In addition to this, you can also activate a blood stain to see a ghostly replay of how another player had died. And finally, the most sinister online component, you can be invaded by other players whose goal is to see you become yet another stain on the stairs. It feels something like a horror film to see the notification that someone has invaded your world and knowing that they are stalking you as their prey.

Strangest of all quirks, is that souls are both the currency of the realm and a measure of your experience, so you can choose to spend your souls on going up an experience level or you can buy that new shield for extra protection. In addition to this, you cannot sell the items you’ve picked up or purchased. This never really presented a problem for me, but I wouldn't have minded if i were able to rid myself of several dozen wooden shields i picked up along the way.

Visually the game is spectacular, with rich, detailed surroundings and excellent enemy/creature details.

After discussing this game with my brother, I was surprised at how differently we approached the game. I took the enemies out with a bow, if possible, then switched to shield and spear for some up close and personal encounters, where as my brother would quickly close the gap armed with a rapier and saber (allowing both slashing and stabbing attacks) and would proceed to dodge about and wear his enemies down. (I must say - I thought he was crazy!)

There is a huge range of different weapons and armour types, as well as different ways to spend your experience, so the game allows for very varied play styles.

So there you are – a rich, challenging, inventive game which is extremely rewarding, innovative and bloody good fun.

I highly recommend it.

Workplace Goblins

This my dear readers, is the goblin that keeps me company on those stressful days at work. Made entirely from Blutack.

He (or she) doesn’t have a name yet, so suggestions are welcome.

What I've Learned from Video Games

Recently I was discussing the things I have learned from videogames and have come to the following conclusions;

When someone has painted a question mark on a brick wall always, ALWAYS try and headbutt it. There might be money in there...

Hedgehogs are faster than they look.
Plants can kill zombies.
There are far more crates in the world than I see in my day to day life.
It is possible to jump into the air, and then, using abilities I haven't yet mastered, jump again, thus doubling the jump height.




What are some of the things you've learned from games?

now, if you will excuse me, i need to get to some gardening done for the upcoming zombie apocalypse.

Introducing...

Aargh Zombies!!
 
There… now don’t we all feel better.
Who am I? Well, my name is Sil and this is my blog.
I’m married, in my late 20’s, enjoy a good apocalyptic flick, hence the title. I enjoy writing and am the best person I know at writing the first few pages (or sentences) of a novel; it’s just unfortunate that I am terrible and writing more than that...
I have a bit of a creative streak and love to tinker and play. Recently I made this little goblin thingy out of blutack to keep me company whilst I’m pretending to work. He lives under my monitor…
 
…Great – I’m off to a good start with my blog – I don’t sound like a crazy man at all!
 
So – what’s the blog about?
 
Well I just wanted to use this space to talk about things that I’m passionate about – Writing, music, movies and games.
Everyone’s tastes are different of course, so how do you know if you like what I like and if any of this is relevant to you.
Here’s where I am at (just a couple of examples);
Books – currently reading World War Z by Max Brooks. Loved: 1984, Day of the Triffids and Neverwhere
Music – currently listening to Mumford and Sons – Sigh no more. Loved: Radiohead, Death Cab for Cutie, Jeff Buckley
Movies – Recently watched Sherlock Holmes, The Blind Side & Triangle. Loved: City of the Lost Children, Pans Labyrinth, Vertigo.
Games – Currently playing Assassins Creed 2. Loved: Demons Souls, The Saboteur, Fallout 3.
 
I’ve created this blog and I can’t go back to a blog-less life now – I’m stuck with it.