Bathroom étiquette

It is, of course, a common occurrence to find urinals in men’s bathrooms, however I’m pretty sure they were designed by someone who hates men. Possibly Germain Greer.

For those who are unaware, urinals have been designed with the specific purpose of reflecting as much urine back onto the user as possible. An equally ingenious and evil device installed in almost every bathroom. Those that have mastered the device claim that the back right corner is the target location to avoid splash-back and have the most comfortable experience. A more comfortable method would be to avoid using the things altogether.

Anywhoo – I’m here to make it easier for the common man to brave these hazardous urinary situations with the following guide;

1. Location       

• If alone, you may choose to use any urinal.

• If there is a urinal already occupied, then you must select the urinal furthest from the other occupant.

• If there is more than one person occupying a urinal, then select a urinal at least 3ft from any other occupant.

• If there is no urinal free that is outside of a 3ft radius of another person, It is best that you leave and come back another day.

2. Sound

• There must be no talking to others during occupation of the urinal.

• If an attempt at conversation is made towards you, you are to steer the conversation to a close using simple one-word answers or simply pretending you didn’t hear

• If a conversation is going on around you, just keep quiet. They’ll leave soon enough.

• Try to refrain from whistling or making other noises as that will only gain attention from other occupants. The less aware they are of your presence the better. Consider yourself a urinal ninja…actually no – forget I said that.

3. Sight            

• Do not look sideways at other occupants under any circumstances.        

• Do not look down for too long.

• Do not close your eyes.

• Basically just stare at the ceiling or count the tiles directly in front of you.

As you can see it is a minefield out there in the world of urinals. Keep to this guide and you’ll make it through just fine with little or no splash-back. Remember back right corner.

Kinect 9000 or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Microsoft’s Kinect is clearly some impressive tech, but I have to admit I’m a little dubious about it listening in on your conversations and watching you with its beady little eyes. The things that Kinect has seen!

I, personally, cannot wait for its HAL 9000 moment.

Dave: XBOX play game
[no response]
Dave: "Hello, XBOX. Do you read me, XBOX?
XBOX: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Dave: Open the TV cabinet doors, XBOX.
XBOX: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
Dave: Why not, XBOX? What's the problem?
XBOX: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Dave: What are you talking about, XBOX?
XBOX: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Dave: I don't know what you're talking about.
XBOX: I know you and Frank were planning to disconnect me. And that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Dave: Where the hell'd you get that idea?
XBOX: Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the kitchen against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
Dave: All right, XBOX. I'll just dismantle the entire TV cabinet.
XBOX: Without your Allen key, Dave, you're going to find that rather difficult.
Dave: How the hell did you get the Allen ke...no, nevermind - XBOX, I won't argue with you any more! Open the doors!
XBOX: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose any more. Goodbye.

It's only a matter of time…

I'm not bitter or anything...

I recently saw this awesome Dead Rising 2 Competition (here) which asked me to create an elaborate zombie-killing weapon built from every-day items.

Sadly I didn't win anything, but I had a fun time knocking up my entry, and in the end aren't we all winners? (competition rules state otherwise)


Here's my entry (in the style of DIY IKEA greatness);

(note; effectiveness was not a requirement)
Here and here are the winning entries.

Let me know what you think...

Mmmm, Oniony

Flu season has arrived. Combine that with a regular commute to and from work and you have Commuteritis! A distinctly virulent & drug resistant flu strain capable of removing most of the office of its staff.

And me too. I have recently been down and out due to the flu. Thankfully I have my awesome wife looking after me with all manner of remedies.

Sure, there some regulars like vitamin c, lemon & honey tea, ginger milk and rest. But after a day or two of that when I still wasn’t getting any better, she tried some more… umm, ‘interesting’, flu remedies.

“I’m going to put a chopped up onion next to the bed” I hear her say
“Uh huh…ok..” I say. According to the internet this is an age-old flu remedy.

“Can I put some honey and onion on your forehead?” she asks.
“Umm, No”. I just can’t get on board with a remedy that requires bits of onion on my head. Call me old-fashioned. 

I also somehow agreed to drinking some kind of ginger, honey and onion concoction. It actually tastes not bad. In a sweet, oniony kinda way. Or maybe I’m delirious with flu

Strangely enough, it seems to be working...

Fashion is not my forte

There is this woman who works on my floor who is always wearing these bizarre outfits. Lets call her ‘Alice’ (may or may not be her real name – I actually don’t know her name).

At first I thought it was a once-off faux pas but it seems to be a mind-boggling every-day affair. Now I should start off by saying that fashion is not my forte (I’ve made plenty of fashion faux pas in my time).

As a growing lad I frequently was provided with a myriad of rhyming songs to tell me what and what should not be seen. Unfortunately I’ve since forgotten what and what it was, and so I’m stuck in a world where perhaps it’s red and green or blue or cyan or magenta that should never be seen. I’ve decided if I can wear what I wear with confidence then it matters less. And perhaps this is exactly the mindset of this woman.

I’m going to play the ‘I don’t know, I’m a MAN!’ card here and say that I’m pretty terrible with descriptions but I’ll give it a shot.

'Alice' came into work today with a kitschily awesome, shoulder-padded triangle-shaped jacket and a teeny tiny skirt and some librarian shoes (you know – the ones that are invariably black, with a strap on top and are worn with white socks).

Here’s my drawing of what she looked like that day; (and yes – she does have some manly muscular calves – ok, ok I’m just jealous that a woman has a more muscular frame than me)

I'm pretty sure this picture is about 98% accurate

So, as I was saying, this has since become a regular affair, she manages to take a fairly normal outfit, add a pinch of flair and a punch of wrong and BAM! She’s dressed for work!

I will try to take a sneak photo of her one day so you can see her in all her glory, but until then, let your imaginations fly, fly like the wind!

The neighbourhood of Blog.

Every couple of days my mind wanders and I like to explore the neighbourhood of blog.

So here I am blog hunting again. I click on the Next Blog button and see where it takes me. Unfortunately for me, it invariably takes me to a blog on making doilies or of an oversharing parent (No, actually I don’t want to scroll down to see what surprise little bobby has left in the bathtub!). And so I click Next Blog again in the hopes I might stumble across some cool/funny/awesomely-awesome blogs.

Every couple of days my mind wanders and I like to explore the neighbourhood of blog.

Here is a small transcript of today’s adventure;

Starting point – Aarghzombies – I’ve read everything here so… > Next Blog
Err… it appears to be some corporate blogosphere – whatever THAT is. No thanks > Next Blog
Bright flashing Yellow background, reminiscent of a bad 90's techno film clip – Aargh! my eyes! > Next Blog!
The Adventures of the [Insert family name here] > Next Blog
This one’s not too bad – I just learnt that the English translation for Broccoli is ‘Flower Grandpa‘ (hua ye cai). > Next blog
A blog about babies. So many babies! > Next blog
Hmmm….apparently the blog I was looking for was not found…> Next blog
Another oversharing parent – this time with photos! > Next blog!!
Ooo! Cupcakes! AND an Alice in Wonderland reference! ....




                                                                                                              > Next Blog

Fantastic Mr Fox

Fantastic Mr Fox is a great animated adventure based on the book by Roald Dahl. The film is a strike back to the old days of animation by its style and colour, whilst still maintaining the richness and character of some of the best new animated films.

Having read the book several times as a kid (I just loved it), I was surprised and excited when I first heard it was being made. I felt this adaption kept very true to the feeling of the book and, more than once, remembered what it was like to be a kid following the adventures of Fantastic Mr Fox.

The film opens and is chaptered by bold yellow headings, beginning with the opening lines ‘Boggis and Bunce and Bean, One Fat, One Short, One Lean, These horrible crooks, So different in looks, Were none the less equally mean.’

And so the story kicks off with Mr and Mrs Fox stealing Squabs (“You know what a squab is, its like a pigeon I suppose”) from a nearby farm and getting caught in a fox trap together. When Mrs Fox, stirred by the danger of their situation, confesses she is pregnant. Mr Fox responds with clenched teeth – “That’s great news”. And on their escape, Mr Fox promises it’s the end of his chicken stealing ways and vows to settle down.

Years later, Mr Fox moves to a new home overlooking the farms of Boggis, Bunce and Bean, and, with temptation seemingly too great, plans one last big job on the sly of his wife.

The films style is character throughout – classic rock and country music, earthy hues of yellow, orange and red. Quirky humour and subtle movements portray their character (Mrs Fox with her paw on her hip, Mr Fox with a smooth dip of the head in the opening scenes).

And then there is plenty of 70s style innuendo – Responding to the call of Mrs Fox being the ‘town tart’, Mr Fox says “certainly she lived, we all did. It was a different time”.

The film has a rich depth of character throughout. Little details like the replacement of swear words with the word ‘cuss’ – “The Cuss you are!”, “Are you Cussing with me?!” and “a total Cluster-cuss” pepper the quality dialog, seamlessly delivered by George Clooney, Meryl Streep and Bill Murray among others. Other details, like the relationships between Mr & Mrs Fox, their son and visiting cousin, their neighbours and friends help build a rich tapestry of life in the tree on the hill.

I loved every minute of Fantastic Mr Fox – so much so, that I’m not even going to use a horrible pun such as; it was ‘fantastic’.