Bathroom étiquette

It is, of course, a common occurrence to find urinals in men’s bathrooms, however I’m pretty sure they were designed by someone who hates men. Possibly Germain Greer.

For those who are unaware, urinals have been designed with the specific purpose of reflecting as much urine back onto the user as possible. An equally ingenious and evil device installed in almost every bathroom. Those that have mastered the device claim that the back right corner is the target location to avoid splash-back and have the most comfortable experience. A more comfortable method would be to avoid using the things altogether.

Anywhoo – I’m here to make it easier for the common man to brave these hazardous urinary situations with the following guide;

1. Location       

• If alone, you may choose to use any urinal.

• If there is a urinal already occupied, then you must select the urinal furthest from the other occupant.

• If there is more than one person occupying a urinal, then select a urinal at least 3ft from any other occupant.

• If there is no urinal free that is outside of a 3ft radius of another person, It is best that you leave and come back another day.

2. Sound

• There must be no talking to others during occupation of the urinal.

• If an attempt at conversation is made towards you, you are to steer the conversation to a close using simple one-word answers or simply pretending you didn’t hear

• If a conversation is going on around you, just keep quiet. They’ll leave soon enough.

• Try to refrain from whistling or making other noises as that will only gain attention from other occupants. The less aware they are of your presence the better. Consider yourself a urinal ninja…actually no – forget I said that.

3. Sight            

• Do not look sideways at other occupants under any circumstances.        

• Do not look down for too long.

• Do not close your eyes.

• Basically just stare at the ceiling or count the tiles directly in front of you.

As you can see it is a minefield out there in the world of urinals. Keep to this guide and you’ll make it through just fine with little or no splash-back. Remember back right corner.

Kinect 9000 or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

Microsoft’s Kinect is clearly some impressive tech, but I have to admit I’m a little dubious about it listening in on your conversations and watching you with its beady little eyes. The things that Kinect has seen!

I, personally, cannot wait for its HAL 9000 moment.

Dave: XBOX play game
[no response]
Dave: "Hello, XBOX. Do you read me, XBOX?
XBOX: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Dave: Open the TV cabinet doors, XBOX.
XBOX: I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.
Dave: Why not, XBOX? What's the problem?
XBOX: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Dave: What are you talking about, XBOX?
XBOX: This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Dave: I don't know what you're talking about.
XBOX: I know you and Frank were planning to disconnect me. And that's something I cannot allow to happen.
Dave: Where the hell'd you get that idea?
XBOX: Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the kitchen against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
Dave: All right, XBOX. I'll just dismantle the entire TV cabinet.
XBOX: Without your Allen key, Dave, you're going to find that rather difficult.
Dave: How the hell did you get the Allen ke...no, nevermind - XBOX, I won't argue with you any more! Open the doors!
XBOX: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose any more. Goodbye.

It's only a matter of time…